Being a Catholic woman newly married (two years in July), I was always under the impression that our duty (and delight) was to start popping out those babies as soon as we say “I do.” My husband and I have been married for 19 months and I feel like a failure. No babies have come, not even a single positive pregnancy test.
I see all my friends having babies and the jealousy is so real, it just envelops me, and I can’t breath.
I am a youth minister at our parish and one day I was at work painting the youth house. The school that is attached to the church also has a daycare. I remember that day I was standing on a chair watching all those little tots with their little curls and chubby cheeks and I just broke down. My husband arrived at the youth house a little while later and he immediately could tell I was upset. I just cried and cried. I cannot even count the times I have cried for not being able to get pregnant so far.
I feel like a failure because the one thing I should be able to do is to have these little babies that we bring up to be little Jesus-lovers.
There have been a few times that my friends have become pregnant or I saw an acquaintance on Facebook blast their pregnancy to the world that I just couldn’t handle the jealousy.
My heart was breaking over and over. I needed to plea my case.
My husband and I made a trip to Mexico City last summer and were fortunate enough to go see the tilma of Juan Diego and stand where the Blessed Mother appeared. I begged for a baby. I pled with every fiber of my being that our perfect Mother would intercede for me for this one thing.
It never happened and I was so angry.
For a while, I would sit in church and refuse to pray for a baby anymore because if Our Lady couldn’t get that for me, it obviously isn’t supposed to happen. My husband and I have had so many conversations about babies and pregnancy. Through our prayers and countless talks, we have decided that if we are not able to have a baby, we will travel and see the world and do mission work.
Ever since the beginning of our marriage, my husband always said “Don’t be upset if God has another plan for us that does not include kids.” I hated it when he said that. But, maybe the Holy Spirit was preparing my heart through the very person God placed in my life to bring me closer to Him.
Here we are, still no baby in sight but I have finally found a peace in myself. With not having any kids, I can give so much time to my youth group, hopefully be an amazing wife to my husband, go see the world (Paris, here I come!!), bring Jesus to the world as his missionary, and so much more! My heart longs for a baby still sometimes, but the future is finally looking brighter.
We pray for what we want but sometimes God just has something else in mind.
“Spouses to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full of meaning, in both human and Christian terms. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity, of hospitality, and of sacrifice.” Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1654